When we met the other night on the way back from the laundry room, you, ambling, toddling and waddling in a very adorable way, I couldn't help but like you tremendously. If not for my fear of your anal glands and the possibility of rabies, I would have scooped you up like a housecat and called you my own.
Last night things took a decidedly different turn however, when, instead of me, you met my dog on the way to your cozy little den under my house. You hissed but he did not listen. So you turned your little striped ass around and sprayed and sprayed and sprayed. On his face, on his neck, fucking everywhere. And oh my god the smell. And I can't get it off him, off my hands. Your reputation preceded you, but you deserve every bit of it. You must have been saving that one up in your ass for a long time, ripening it, perfecting it. Your stink could be used as a torture device.
I do wish that you had shown a little discretion and not done it at midnight, just as I was letting the dog out for the last time, after two large glasses of wine, so that I was unaware until it was too late that some of the windows were partially open and the whole house filled with your deathly musk, causing me to flee to the bedroom with your assgland molecules clinging to my hands and my clothes, shoving towels under the door and praying that the stink would stop there and not cause me to clutch my child to my bosom, wrapping ourselves in blankets and escape in the dead of night to one of the cottages, chancing another meeting along the way.
I don't blame you, the dog was bigger and I'm pretty sure you warned the dumbass. But he thought you were a cat, and therefore not really all that bad, and he went for it, and for that I'm sorry. As I said, I don't blame you, but I have to say that I don't really like you all that much anymore either. I don't think I'll be able to see you bustling along without immediately recalling your permeable and sticky scent. And I guess that's the point of it after all. Well, it works. Congratulations to you and evolution on being such a badass (pun intended).
Sincerely yours,
ProudMary
This is hysterical, though I'm sure you think differently. I heard that milk is used to get the "stink" off. I can only imagine how long that smell lingered. I'm so sorry...but still laughing. Nature will get even with me for this, I just know it.
Posted by: Linda | 19 November 2005 at 10:48 AM
Interestingly, a combination of hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and dishwashing liquid did the trick. The internet is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
Thanks for reading.
Posted by: ProudMary | 19 November 2005 at 11:56 AM
Aeryn nailed a skunk in the back yard a couple of years ago. As we were crossing the Canadian border back into the States, I got a call that our cat was dying. We were 8 hours away and racing back around 3AM, one of the guys that was watching the dogs called to say that he had stopped by the house to let them out and she'd caught herself a skunk, He wanted to leave the Princess outside.....like that would happen....we came home to a stinky house, but thankfully a cat who had survived the night :) Oh - as far as the smell, we went with Skunk Off and then a bath at Petsmart the next day. Everytime it rained after that or even if she got her nose in the water bowl, she stunk. That lasted for a few months. Sorry :( But, thanks for posting for the Carnival :)
Posted by: Mickey | 21 November 2005 at 02:35 AM
Now that it's a few weeks later, I'm sure you're laughing with those of us who are reading your blog and realize (or at least think) that we're not laughing AT you. ;)
Posted by: Ogre | 22 November 2005 at 02:17 PM
Oh, my sense of humor may be too dry...I had fully intended it to be funny, and was laughing about it the very next day. Glad you found it humorous too.
Posted by: ProudMary | 22 November 2005 at 02:32 PM
If you've got skunks in the area, you may as well keep a couple of big cans of tomato juice in the house. Bathe the dog in that before moving on to regular shampoo. Simple and effective.
Posted by: Omnibus Driver | 02 December 2005 at 12:37 PM
I'm just catching up on your archives now and boy do I feel your pain! We have lots of skunks in our yard (alley, neighborhood, etc) and last year one of our cats got into a tangle with the beast. It was the most revoluting thing ever. I did the tomato juice thing and it worked "okay" but Iko was pinkish (from the tomatoes) and a little stinky for weeks. Ugh. I agree though - skunks are damn cute...if it wasn't for that vile vile odor....
Posted by: carrster | 22 November 2006 at 04:45 PM