I know I said June. I don't know if it was an act of calender-related idiocy, or just plain ol' emotional self-preservation, but the Cap'n will not be arriving in June. Indeed, he is putting the finishing touches on the house AS WE SPEAK. He just met with our NEW TENANTS, a lovely couple that used to be our neighbors, who are moving into the apartment on MAY FIRST. We love them. They seem like really wonderful people. I hope they stay FOREVER.
Somehow this has all snuck up on me. When I think that the Cap'n will be here in a mere week and a half, I feel sort of shocked and get all fluttery and want to cry. Because maybe now I can stop being so goddamnned "in control" all the time and soften, let go a little. God that would be nice. Maybe every day will stop feeling like eternal limbo. Maybe my life will be awesome again. Could it be? Is it really just around the corner? This thing I've wanted for damn near a year? That I'd kind of given up on hoping for? Do I dare to believe this wonderful news?
But then ProudMary steps in, says "That's enough! [muttering: sloppy loathsome little girl. christ. have you learned nothing from the last year?] We'll believe it when we sees it, my precious."
And I want to tell Mary to shove it too, but I know the Cap'n and I could likely have some challenging months directly ahead. I'm fairly certain all the speedbumps will be overshadowed by the joy of being a family again, getting some help around this place, the Cap'n getting to see Poopies on a daily basis again, but cannot deny that as hard as getting used to being alone was, that work has been done now for awhile and my emotions have slowed down into calm acceptance. And this will stir them up, for happy reasons, but stirred just the same. And I'm still feeling a bit raw from the past year, and therefore hesitant to mix things up again, for even the best of reasons.
We will have to get used to sharing our lives again. After a really challenging year for both of us. On the upside, it's a great time to get into better habits with eachother, take what we've learned over the past ten years and start again on the best possible foundation. On the downside, there's a lot of residual feelings from the past ten months' separation that are still unexpressed, and they will work their way to the surface one way or another. I guess the goal here is to combine the two, working through the issues with our feet securely resting on our love, our friendship and our appreciation for eachother and what we've built together. Yeah. That sounds really good.
Now, where on earth, or, more accurately, this apartment, are we going to put all his stuff?