I can't believe it's been a month already. In a couple of hours I'll go pick up the Cap'n at the train station, and I can't wait to see him, hold him, smell him and to see his and Poopies' reactions to seeing each other after so long. I want to know how much Poopies has grown, I want to see if he remembers the Cap'n. And I wouldn't mind at least part of this being a conjugal visit. I even bought some pretty skivvies at Target (that's as close to lingerie you get in the mountains).
But on the other hand, there's a lot of emotions balled up in this situation. I'm angry at no one in particular that I'm all alone and don't have any help. After the Cap'n left, I walked around in a sad daze for a couple of days and then "bucked up" because I didn't have any other choice. I had to accept that he wasn't here for help or support and I had to move on. In a way, I iced all the sad feelings so they wouldn't hurt as bad. But as a result I'm left a little cold and defensive. Now that he's coming back for a visit, I'm not sure if I can warm and then re-ice in a span of mere days. I've already accepted that he won't be here, and learned to function. What a mind trip to have him back for only a couple of days. And then there's clearly the problem that I tend to run away with these things like a mad hatter, making them into much bigger problems than they were to begin with.
After a little heartrending with the Cap'n via IM, I've bared my soul in concise statements and he understands and has admitted to some nervousness about visiting as well. But (and I hate it when people imply that men are simpler than women emotionally, but) I don't think he experienced our separation in the multi-faceted way I did. I can count at least five different, distinct emotions that have been swirled around as a result of this little exercise, complete with a full suite of grieving stages and new emotional baggage for the journey. Boy am I glad I get to be married to him instead of someone like me.